feeling incredibly contemplative today. surprisingly, I am considering romance, the lack thereof, the possibility of it in the future or the possibility of it not being there in the future.
perhaps you are not surprised that I am thinking of romance on valentine’s day. but I am. I have never considered myself a romantic. I never engaged in that type of thinking while married. romance was not entertained in my marriage. so I figured I was not a romantic
so the fact that I am contemplating romance on the biggest romance day of the calendar year IS surprising to me.
I am still not sure if I am a romantic. that remains to be seen. or developed. or not. who knows at this point.
what I have experienced today though is God’s love. in His word. in my Bible study. in church.
the big picture view of a Holy God who takes me by the hand and shows me His sanctuary. never leaves me alone. promises me that His economy, although in complete deference to this world’s economy, is fuller, richer, more trustworthy. reminds me that He is enough in this world and in heaven.
I have been reminded of his answers to spoken and unspoken requests along the way. new friends. mentors. comrades in single-ness. quickly found items. a cat that keeps me smiling. a sister that opened her home graciously and lovingly. another sister that was and is always available to listen when I need to talk things out. a mom that listens, respects even when she may not agree or understand fully. a counselor who has created a safe space to grow and learn. friends that have been faithful in loving me while I struggled and railed against God. an absolute knowledge that I am loveable and loved.
actually I know. I know. and believe. that I will not be alone forever. there is a love out there waiting for me. a love that is true. and safe. and respectful. and fun. I know this.
I can wait. I will embrace each day. each step towards this reality. I will continue to learn. and grow. and become. and believe.
maybe I am a romantic.
instead of denying it. or being embarrassed by it (now there’s a honest take on it) I just need to embrace the reality.
I am a romantic. I believe in love. in flowers. in sappy happily ever after’s
hello, to my sappy, romantic side.
I accept this reality. if I am being honest, being sappy seems soft. weak. vulnerable.
I pride myself in being strong, capable, independent
so the question becomes can I accept both sides of myself. the romantic, soft side alongside the strong, capable side. it may sound easy but to wrap my brain around this takes effort. it requires a shift in beliefs. a breathing in of new-ness. an accepted change of reality. a softening to myself. a letting go of long held beliefs. a recognition that I am more than I give myself credit for. a releasing of old to embrace truth
I am both strong and soft. weak and capable. vulnerable and independent.
I am more than I knew