fearless. my anthem. my theme. my battle cry. my being-ness. i am fearLESS.
but i spent a lifetime of living, breathing, being fearFULL. every day. every moment. i knew nothing but fear.
fear of the dark. being alone. being with people. being quiet. beign loud. being not enough. being too much. not being good enough. being too valued. feeling so devalued.
fear gripped me at every turn.
it may not have been recognizable to others but i lived there. fearFULL. always. and that is how i learned to identify myself. as one who wasn’t enough. one who was weak. never capable of rising above. deserving of this place of darkness.
i have been on a journey the past 6 years. a journey of finding myself. connecting with my little one, hidden inside. listening to her. seeing her. learning from her.
and what i have found amidst the pain of unraveling my past to put together my future, is something i didn’t expect to find.
i may have lived fearFULL but i have always been fearLESS. i have embodied the attitude of “no backing down, no giving up” there is a warrior inside of me who is fierce. who knows NOT defeat. who rises with each fall, wipes herself off, and gets right back into the thick of things. with grace. with determination. with honor. with humor. who is not afraid of the dirtiness of life because she knows the beauty that comes later.
it literally has taken my a lifetime to find myself. well, a lifetime of almost 52 years, which in reality seems like a blip on the horizon of life. i see the reality that the little one inside of me and the woman in the mirror are truly one and the same. i haven’t become fearLESS over the past few years. I have always been fearLESS. i just didn’t recognize it. for oh so many reasons.
but i see it now. i see myself as the warrior i am. i see the good in all the ugly. i feel the fearLESSness rise inside each morning. each moment when i would typically fall back, i now rise up and meet the challenge. no backing down, no giving up..but now i do it automatically and boldly. i trust myself enough to know i can handle each conversation. each encounter. that i have nothing to fear in life. i can and do stand my ground. because i know the ground on which i stand. i know myself. i trust myself. i love myself. i have fought and freed myself from many formidable opponents.
and i have never been alone in this battle. the God who goes before me, walks beside me, has my back and is the banner over me, has always been there too. even when i was fearFULL. especially then. just as he is today. and every day. its why fearLESS can and is my anthem, my theme, my battle cry, my being-ness.
i am not alone. never have been. never will be. every battle is his. every tear shed he has collected. he knows my pain and shame and loves me anyway. he has walked in my shoes. and carried me along the way. the opponents i have battled have come up against his love and power. i have broken the shackles only by his strength.
i am fearLESS because of him.
i am fearLESS.