Category Archives: lies

I was struck this week with this truth:

I do no know how to  dream for myself, how to believe that there is a purpose and future out there for me to attain.

this is a bid deal. a big reality.

but rather than let this overwhelm me. get me down. I turned to God. lifted it to Him in prayer. asked for His hand on me to give me the ability to learn this skill.

I am accustomed to recognizing areas I have not exercised. and learning to exercise these weakened muscles. it’s not that I am without the ability to learn this. it is a skill I need to learn. practice. repeat. this I can do.

for me, it starts with prayer. ends there, too, for that matter.

here are the words God gave me in that first prayer.

“Use my hands for healing. My voice for boldness. My life for worship”

it is my daily prayer now. I know not what it means. YET. but I know as I practice taking this to prayer. process with my counselor and THE Wonderful Counselor. take the next right step. and the next one after that. I will begin to see this skill become a habit. a belief. a truth I live.

I am both excited and nervous to see how my life. my beliefs. my faith. is transformed as I make this new truth a belief. it is big. shaking the cobwebs off old beliefs and replacing them with new profound realities is big work. from inside out. in fact it is in the inside work  that big outward changes happen. unmasking the false beliefs is always freeing. but it takes perseverance. daily recognizing when old lies creep in, attempting to worm their way back into my heart. daily reminding myself of new truths. repeating the TRUTH to my  self. breathing them in. breathing out the old.

this is work I have done before. it is achievable. I will do this. I am accustomed to hard work. deep faith. I am daily being freed because I have forever been freed by the blood of my Saviour.

‘Use my hands for healing. my voice for boldness. my life for worship”

 

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romance

feeling incredibly contemplative today. surprisingly, I am considering romance, the lack thereof, the possibility of it in the future or the possibility of it not being there in the future.

wait.

perhaps you are not surprised that I am thinking of romance on valentine’s day. but I am. I have never considered myself a romantic. I never engaged in that type of thinking while married. romance was not entertained in my marriage. so I figured I was not a romantic

so the fact that I am contemplating romance on the biggest romance day of the calendar year IS surprising to me.

I am still not sure if I am a romantic. that remains to be seen. or developed. or not. who knows at this point.

what I have experienced today though is God’s love. in His word. in my Bible study. in church.

the big picture view of a Holy God who takes me by the hand and  shows me His sanctuary. never leaves me alone. promises me that His economy, although in complete deference to this world’s economy, is fuller, richer, more trustworthy. reminds me that He is enough in this world and in heaven.

I have been reminded of his answers to spoken and unspoken requests along the way. new friends. mentors. comrades in single-ness. quickly found items. a cat that keeps me smiling. a sister that opened her home graciously and lovingly. another sister that was and is always available to listen when I need to talk things out. a mom that listens, respects even when she may not agree or understand fully.  a counselor who has created a safe space to grow and learn. friends that have been faithful in loving me while I struggled and railed against God. an absolute knowledge that I am loveable and loved.

actually I know. I know. and believe. that I will not be alone forever. there is a love out there waiting for me. a love that is true. and safe. and respectful. and fun. I know this.

I can wait. I will embrace each day. each step towards this reality. I will continue to learn. and grow. and become. and believe.

maybe I am a romantic.

instead of  denying it. or being embarrassed by it (now there’s a honest take on it) I just need to embrace the reality.

I am a romantic. I believe in love. in flowers. in sappy happily ever after’s

hmmmm. ok.

hello, to my sappy, romantic side.

I accept this reality. if I am being honest, being sappy seems soft. weak. vulnerable.

I pride myself in being strong, capable, independent

so the question becomes can I accept both sides of myself. the romantic, soft side alongside the strong, capable side. it may sound easy but to wrap my brain around this takes effort. it requires a shift in beliefs. a breathing in of new-ness. an accepted change of reality. a softening to myself. a letting go of long held beliefs. a recognition that I am more than I give myself credit for. a releasing of old to embrace truth

I am both strong and soft. weak and capable. vulnerable and independent.

I am more than I knew

 

truth vs. lies

what I know to be true

it does not matter how many times a lie is said, it is still a lie

it does not matter how many people you convince that your lie is truth, a lie is a lie is a lie

repeating a lie doesn’t make it true

convincing others it is truth still doesn’t make it true

in the quiet, in the dark, when you are alone, you are surrounded by your lies

they consume you

it’s why you are alone, lost, without

because truth cannot reside with falsehood

truth needs light and air and breath

truth brings light and air and breath

lies suck that away

lies bring death

and darkness. and abandonment

you  have not because you live a lie

you cannot attain peace because you live a lie

the lies may never be revealed but they are still lies

 

lies cannot destroy me. I know the truth

I know it. I live it. I am unchanged by the lies.