Category Archives: fear

fearless

 

Fearless – [Lyric Video] Jasmine Murray

 

fearless. my anthem. my theme. my battle cry. my being-ness. i am fearLESS.

but i spent a lifetime of living, breathing, being fearFULL. every day. every moment. i knew nothing but fear.

fear of the dark. being alone. being with people. being quiet. beign loud. being not enough. being too much. not being good enough. being too valued. feeling so devalued.

fear gripped me at every turn.

it may not have been recognizable to others but i lived there. fearFULL. always. and that is how i learned to identify myself. as one who wasn’t enough. one who was weak. never capable of rising above. deserving of this place of darkness.

i have been on a journey the past 6 years. a journey of finding myself. connecting with my little one, hidden inside. listening to her. seeing her. learning from her.

and what i have found amidst the pain of unraveling my past to put together my future, is something i didn’t expect to find.

i may have lived fearFULL but i have always been fearLESS. i have embodied the attitude of “no backing down, no giving up” there is a warrior inside of me who is fierce. who knows NOT defeat. who rises with each fall, wipes herself off, and gets right back into the thick of things. with grace. with determination. with honor. with humor. who is not afraid of the dirtiness of life because she knows the beauty that comes later.

it literally has taken my a lifetime to find myself. well, a lifetime of almost 52 years, which in reality seems like a blip on the horizon of life. i see the reality that the little one inside of me and the woman in the mirror are truly one and the same. i haven’t become fearLESS over the past few years. I have always been fearLESS. i just didn’t recognize it. for oh so many reasons.

but i see it now. i see myself as the warrior i am. i see the good in all the ugly. i feel the fearLESSness rise inside each morning. each moment when i would typically fall back, i now rise up and meet the challenge. no backing down, no giving up..but now i do it automatically and boldly. i trust myself enough to know i can handle each conversation. each encounter. that i have nothing to fear in life. i can and do stand my ground. because i know the ground on which i stand. i know myself. i trust myself. i love myself. i have fought and freed myself from many formidable opponents.

and i have never been alone in this battle. the God who goes before me, walks beside me, has my back and is the banner over me, has always been there too. even when i was fearFULL. especially then. just as he is today. and every day. its why fearLESS can and is my anthem, my theme, my battle cry, my being-ness.

i am not alone. never have been. never will be. every battle is his. every tear shed he has collected. he knows my pain and shame and loves me anyway. he has walked in my shoes. and carried me along the way. the opponents i have battled have come up against his love and power. i have broken the shackles only by his strength.

i am fearLESS because of him.

i am fearLESS.

what horses taught me

I had counseling this morning. I knew it would be big based on my last blog and the realization that I do not know how to dream and believe for myself. my body knew it was big too based on its reactions all morning leading up to counseling. I was running to the bathroom constantly, I chose a big comfy sweater to wear so I could use it as a shield, I stopped for coffee on the way because I needed the comfort of something warm to drink. all signs to me that my body was telling me that is was anxious for what I was going to process. I remember all these reactions from early on in counseling. then I was so UNaware of my body’s preparations or foretelling of what I was doing was big. today, however, I recognized each one. and smiled in understanding. and breathed deeply in anticipation.

I told my counselor straight up here is what I know I need to process: I don’t know how to dream a future for myself nor believe I can make it happen. not only that but somehow my ex is involved. and my horse. I have been missing my horse tremendously the last few weeks. his smell. his touch. his power. his majesty. his strength.

so out came the EMDR tools and the picture of my horse and the absolute grief I feel over missing him. my grief was at a 10 on the scale of 1-10. the tears were streaming down my face.

the journey of EMDR is always amazing to me. beautiful. freeing. I am in awe of my body’s ability to lead me back to move me forward. the sweet touch of Jesus as He takes me on a journey of emotions. to bring me to self belief and love.

this was no different than the many hundreds of EMDR journeys I have taken over the years. it was sweet. beautiful. healing. freeing. profound.

I realized that my time with our horses taught me so much about myself otherwise unknown. un-touched. un-experienced. I came into ranch life with no knowledge of horses. their care. their needs. their abilities. their life giving touch. I learned under the tutelage of a wonderful, knowledgeable, loving woman. she taught me the ins and outs of daily care. she believed in me. when I didn’t believe in myself. she watched. listened. guided. laughed. and taught. repeatedly. and I listened. and learned. and appropriated all she gave. I got it. I lived it. I loved it.

the horses accepted me. rallied around me. I heard their hearts. and proved to them that I was more than capable to care for them. I felt their love and gave them love in return. they showed me I had more physical strength than I ever knew.  business strength yet un-tapped. I had an insatiable desire to learn and do well. and I did just that. I could stand in their midst and be at peace. I could feel their pain. and their freedom. I appreciated them for all they are. I was not your typical horse woman. I had no desire to ride them although I took a few lessons. my role was on the ground. in their world. I downplayed my horsemanship because I wasn’t a rider. but now I can see I was still a horsewoman. and I still am.

I was struggling because I was thinking that my ex had stolen this from me. he lives on the property where the horses are so I cannot go out there. and then in my “holy shit” moment of counseling I realized that he CANNOT take this from me! he doesn’t have the power over me. not anymore. I had my moment of closure in counseling. I saw the gift the horses gave me. the lessons they taught me. the wings they gave me. I saw it and i accepted it. in all its abundance and beauty.

I ended with this word from God. as I reflected over the fact that at the same time that we walked onto our first ranch, my marriage was hitting the apex of chaos. I had the juxtaposition of the sweetness of all the horses gave and taught in the midst of all that I had believed in falling apart around me. and I asked God why did you give me such a sweet time just to take all that away from me? and this. this is what He told me

“I gave you that sweet time in order to give you freedom and move you forward”

He didn’t take something away from me. He gave me something sweeter. a knowledge that I can do. and learn. and become. more than I give myself credit for. more than I can imagine on my own.

that is amazing grace. that is abundant love.

that humbles me. overwhelms me. bathes me in un-imaginable grace and mercy.

I see a future. it is becoming clearer. I know I can do it. I can learn. I can become. I can take the next right step. and then the next.

I got  this.

because God has got me.

looking back. moving forward

I forgot how exhausting counseling can be. in a good way. but exhausting none the less. I had plans for this afternoon but seriously spent all afternoon in bed, talking with a few friends, trying to nap. it wasn’t until about 30 minutes ago that it dawned on me why I was so tired.

processing takes work. requires it. what I processed today was good. I looked back at the decision to get married. the fear and impending doom I felt at the time. but the reasons behind it. I am finally able to see the truth of those decisions. the truth of what I lived. and I have compassion for my young self. today I could put her to rest. quietly and peacefully.

and I recognized my new self. stronger self. I recognized the little baby steps that happened along the way in counseling. from the first time I even considered loving myself. to the beginning actions to do just that. to really settling into loving myself.

I saw the root of the fear of losing my ex driving me to always give in to his demands in order to keep peace. of the absolute understanding to say no to him was to open myself up to something big and horrible in retribution. to the little beginning beliefs that the big “what if” was not too big for me to handle. to finally one day saying “to hell with it” and facing whatever he might throw at me. because my freedom, my self, my heart, was worth more than anything else. the quiet understanding that there was never the opportunity within the bonds of marriage to love both him and myself. it was always an either/or choice in his book

to recognizing I have survived. I am surviving. I will survive.

nothing he throws at me can or will destroy me. nothing life throws at me will destroy my spirit.

I will never be controlled again. fear and impending doom are not my captors anymore

I am free. and processing those truths, those emotions, those fears, has released me even more.

I am breathing. thriving. at peace. full of hope. ready for the future.

bring it on!