I had counseling this morning. I knew it would be big based on my last blog and the realization that I do not know how to dream and believe for myself. my body knew it was big too based on its reactions all morning leading up to counseling. I was running to the bathroom constantly, I chose a big comfy sweater to wear so I could use it as a shield, I stopped for coffee on the way because I needed the comfort of something warm to drink. all signs to me that my body was telling me that is was anxious for what I was going to process. I remember all these reactions from early on in counseling. then I was so UNaware of my body’s preparations or foretelling of what I was doing was big. today, however, I recognized each one. and smiled in understanding. and breathed deeply in anticipation.
I told my counselor straight up here is what I know I need to process: I don’t know how to dream a future for myself nor believe I can make it happen. not only that but somehow my ex is involved. and my horse. I have been missing my horse tremendously the last few weeks. his smell. his touch. his power. his majesty. his strength.
so out came the EMDR tools and the picture of my horse and the absolute grief I feel over missing him. my grief was at a 10 on the scale of 1-10. the tears were streaming down my face.
the journey of EMDR is always amazing to me. beautiful. freeing. I am in awe of my body’s ability to lead me back to move me forward. the sweet touch of Jesus as He takes me on a journey of emotions. to bring me to self belief and love.
this was no different than the many hundreds of EMDR journeys I have taken over the years. it was sweet. beautiful. healing. freeing. profound.
I realized that my time with our horses taught me so much about myself otherwise unknown. un-touched. un-experienced. I came into ranch life with no knowledge of horses. their care. their needs. their abilities. their life giving touch. I learned under the tutelage of a wonderful, knowledgeable, loving woman. she taught me the ins and outs of daily care. she believed in me. when I didn’t believe in myself. she watched. listened. guided. laughed. and taught. repeatedly. and I listened. and learned. and appropriated all she gave. I got it. I lived it. I loved it.
the horses accepted me. rallied around me. I heard their hearts. and proved to them that I was more than capable to care for them. I felt their love and gave them love in return. they showed me I had more physical strength than I ever knew. business strength yet un-tapped. I had an insatiable desire to learn and do well. and I did just that. I could stand in their midst and be at peace. I could feel their pain. and their freedom. I appreciated them for all they are. I was not your typical horse woman. I had no desire to ride them although I took a few lessons. my role was on the ground. in their world. I downplayed my horsemanship because I wasn’t a rider. but now I can see I was still a horsewoman. and I still am.
I was struggling because I was thinking that my ex had stolen this from me. he lives on the property where the horses are so I cannot go out there. and then in my “holy shit” moment of counseling I realized that he CANNOT take this from me! he doesn’t have the power over me. not anymore. I had my moment of closure in counseling. I saw the gift the horses gave me. the lessons they taught me. the wings they gave me. I saw it and i accepted it. in all its abundance and beauty.
I ended with this word from God. as I reflected over the fact that at the same time that we walked onto our first ranch, my marriage was hitting the apex of chaos. I had the juxtaposition of the sweetness of all the horses gave and taught in the midst of all that I had believed in falling apart around me. and I asked God why did you give me such a sweet time just to take all that away from me? and this. this is what He told me
“I gave you that sweet time in order to give you freedom and move you forward”
He didn’t take something away from me. He gave me something sweeter. a knowledge that I can do. and learn. and become. more than I give myself credit for. more than I can imagine on my own.
that is amazing grace. that is abundant love.
that humbles me. overwhelms me. bathes me in un-imaginable grace and mercy.
I see a future. it is becoming clearer. I know I can do it. I can learn. I can become. I can take the next right step. and then the next.
I got this.
because God has got me.