recognition

it’s no surprise that on new years eve morning I spent time in reflection over the past year. it’s that time of year when most folks do some sort of reflecting. it’s also no surprise that I found myself in tears, in humble adoration of my Lord, this morning as I reflected

its hard in the moment of day to day living to really see your growth. the changes you have made. how each little turn to the right makes HUGE strides in the overall course of your life.

so today I took time to see just that

last year this time I was 6 weeks newly divorced. 10 months out of my home. numb. exhausted. scared. overwhelmed. living alone. working. managing life. really well all things considered.

this year as i look back I see the ripple effects of learning to extend grace and forgiveness to myself and to really love myself. there have been huge moments of clarity in counseling along the way this year. there have been small turns to the right. but all of them have added up to tremendous growth and change from the inside out for me.

as I have learned to extend understanding, acceptance, grace, forgiveness and love to myself, I have seen others through newly clear, wise, open eyes. I have been able to love others as they are, understanding they too have wounds that i cannot see or even understand. that they too are doing the best they can with the tools they have. I have learned to care for my needs and not look for approval from others. I can take damn good care of myself. because  truly only I know what I need. it is not up to someone else to fix me. I tend my own wounds. and it is good.

I have learned the art and the need for strong boundaries. to hear what others are saying and recognize their actions really are backing their words up…and I have protected myself accordingly. not ending my love for them but keeping my heart safe while they do their own stuff.

I have seen I have courage. big courage. and I intend to practice that a lot more this coming year. I will move again. I will have my own place again. I will hold my head high in the courts knowing I have nothing to hide from, be embarrassed by or run from. knowing I have always carried myself with integrity and honor.

I will engage in new relationships. with grace and respect. I will not tolerate mis-treatment. I will make new friends, find new interests. I will not run from life, nor will I hide from it. life is to be embraced

I will practice embracing new things. trusting my gut. trusting myself because I alone know myself. I alone show others how to treat me.

I will do this knowing I am loved deeply by my Savior. that He never leaves me nor forsakes me. That He always goes before me. and He never leaves my side.

I will do this with grace. and courage. and integrity. and peace.

and in doing so, I will continue to become all that I have been created to be.

earrings and me

an interesting thing happened yesterday. as I was choosing my earrings for the day..you know, the perfect ones for the outfit I was wearing. I chose a pair of vintage earrings that I have had for decades. I love vintage jewelry. I have for as long as I can remember. its not a love that I have always shared, engaged in, or reveled in but I have always had it. in actuality, I love all vintage..clothing, music, home décor, movies, shoes, jewelry.

I have added to my collection of vintage jewelry by the boatloads this past year. its been a hunt and a joy. I celebrated my divorce with a nice collection of vintage jewelry. my gift to myself. it makes me smile. brings joy to my heart because the more I celebrate me and my unique-ness, the more I learn to embrace, love and accept who I am and who I have always been.

so I pick out this pair of earrings that I have had for years. a pair that were seemingly unusual and big when I bought them. ones that made my ex uncomfortable when I would wear them, they were too unusual for his liking. so he would make sure I knew this. but this really isn’t about him. this is a story about me and my becoming..more me. back then, I would swallow “me” down, shut down my voice to keep the peace. make him happy. I was not comfortable with me. I didn’t love me. accept me. it was easier to be the person he wanted me to be because I didn’t know who I was, didn’t value who I was, didn’t accept who I was.

so as I put on these earrings and realized that I don’t wear them much anymore because to me they are not unique enough for my liking I realized how much I have grown. become. accepted.

I like me these days. I appreciate my unique flair for clothes and especially jewelry. I have pretty funky vintage jewelry. some that seriously only work with one, maybe two, outfits. but that’s the fun part. finding the right outfit to go with the right earrings. its the joy of the hunt. the fun of dressing. the me being true to me.

I have come a LONG way. I am truly settling into being me. I like who I am. I am enough. i have a voice and i wont silence it again for another person.

so a simple pair of earrings showed me a big change that has occurred. and i love that. i love seeing truth in the simple things.