Category Archives: aloneness

ready

realized yesterday morning that i have been wallowing in self pity for over a week. not a particularly flattering observation to make. i had tried other descriptive words for my malaise earlier in the morning while praying: pride, self righteousness, anger, bitterness. but when i hit upon self pity, i began weeping. that descriptor fit the bill. and in that moment i truly saw my sin.my shame. my malaise. in its fullness.

and i finally knew what needed restoration. i could look at the fullness of my angst. my sadness.and i could slay the beast. i could rightly hear the undertones of my choices. my internal talkings¬†of “oh poor me. this isn’t fair. i deserve better. why is this happening to me?”i could peel back all the other words and see the root.in all its gnarly, spreading, cancerous proportions. i could understand my heart because i could hear my heart. and i could finally stop the diatribe i had been living in, repeating ad nauseam. could right the wrong thinking.

and in doing so i righted my attitude and my direction. instead of looking back i was once again able to be future focused.to see the outlines of what is ahead for me. i could breathe. i could believe. i could be in the moment.

and because of the work i did yesterday was able to rejoice today in the finished work of the Cross, the empty tomb, my risen Savior.i was able to reflect on the changes in me that have occurred over the course of the last 4 years. to see the new reflection of me in the mirror. to realize that i now see and look at myself when i stand in front of a mirror. i recognize myself in the woman looking back at me.i like what i see.even more, i love who i see.i realize in the quiet of the night, when its dark and i am alone with myself, that i love myself even then.i accept myself. i am authentic with myself.

no longer do i use another human being as a panacea for my woundedness. no longer do i deny my wounds. i see them. call them by name. and do the necessary work to heal them.

i see my future opening up in front of me.and i stand ready. nervous but ready.scared but ready. excited and ready.i am content within myself. i am content with myself. i am content with my God. with my aloneness.

i have hope in what tomorrow will bring.belief that my future is secure in God’s hands.faith that He walks with me. love that is eternal.

i am ready

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truth vs. lies

what I know to be true

it does not matter how many times a lie is said, it is still a lie

it does not matter how many people you convince that your lie is truth, a lie is a lie is a lie

repeating a lie doesn’t make it true

convincing others it is truth still doesn’t make it true

in the quiet, in the dark, when you are alone, you are surrounded by your lies

they consume you

it’s why you are alone, lost, without

because truth cannot reside with falsehood

truth needs light and air and breath

truth brings light and air and breath

lies suck that away

lies bring death

and darkness. and abandonment

you  have not because you live a lie

you cannot attain peace because you live a lie

the lies may never be revealed but they are still lies

 

lies cannot destroy me. I know the truth

I know it. I live it. I am unchanged by the lies.

wilderness

God often protects His people by leading them into situations of lesser comfort but greater dependence on Himself. Are you in an uncomfortable place you would not choose? Would you rather have a different spouse, live in a different city or pursue a different cause? God’s protection surrounds His people; His wise and good purposes can be trusted What seems like a wilderness to you may be your place of greatest safety.

What seems like a wilderness to you may be your place of greatest safety.

I read my notes from Bible study last week and was stopped in my tracks by this paragraph. I have been in the wilderness before. but somehow this season of my life I had missed the signs of wilderness.

In times before, my wilderness had the look of disease, chaos, destruction. I cannot say that about this wilderness experience.

this time it looks quiet, restful….but the aloneness is real.

so, as the realization dawned on me that THIS too is a wilderness experience, I was stunned. Stunned that I had missed the signs. Stunned that I was missing the blessing in the midst of the experience. because I didn’t realize the reality.

the blessing?? yep. it’s in that last sentence of the paragraph.

What seems like a wilderness to you may be your place of greatest safety.

I cannot deny that I am finally safe. finally free. finally at peace. but also, sweeter, quieter in refrain, is the fact that in being separated from all things family somewhere in that God is saying “THIS is the safest place for me”

I didn’t think it was possible to live in a place of non-communication with my kids. to be a mom with no real relationship. I thought my heart would stop. burst. die. that somehow I was “less than” in oh so many ways.

what I have found is I am still living. still breathing. still thriving and purposeful. my life didn’t stop. I miss them but I can rest assured that THIS place is the safest place for me right now.

I long to create safe, trustworthy, respectful relationships with them. but that is a two person process. a learning. a changing. a growing. we have never experienced healthy engagement with one another. it will take time. need counsel. and lots of practice.

for now, I am safe. I am protected. I am learning all I need for the next season in my life.

I will not always be in this wilderness.

until then I can rest in my Savor’s protection and care in this wilderness. I can look around with eyes that see the daily encouragement along the way. and the knowledge that the wilderness never lasts