realized yesterday morning that i have been wallowing in self pity for over a week. not a particularly flattering observation to make. i had tried other descriptive words for my malaise earlier in the morning while praying: pride, self righteousness, anger, bitterness. but when i hit upon self pity, i began weeping. that descriptor fit the bill. and in that moment i truly saw my sin.my shame. my malaise. in its fullness.
and i finally knew what needed restoration. i could look at the fullness of my angst. my sadness.and i could slay the beast. i could rightly hear the undertones of my choices. my internal talkings of “oh poor me. this isn’t fair. i deserve better. why is this happening to me?”i could peel back all the other words and see the root.in all its gnarly, spreading, cancerous proportions. i could understand my heart because i could hear my heart. and i could finally stop the diatribe i had been living in, repeating ad nauseam. could right the wrong thinking.
and in doing so i righted my attitude and my direction. instead of looking back i was once again able to be future focused.to see the outlines of what is ahead for me. i could breathe. i could believe. i could be in the moment.
and because of the work i did yesterday was able to rejoice today in the finished work of the Cross, the empty tomb, my risen Savior.i was able to reflect on the changes in me that have occurred over the course of the last 4 years. to see the new reflection of me in the mirror. to realize that i now see and look at myself when i stand in front of a mirror. i recognize myself in the woman looking back at me.i like what i see.even more, i love who i see.i realize in the quiet of the night, when its dark and i am alone with myself, that i love myself even then.i accept myself. i am authentic with myself.
no longer do i use another human being as a panacea for my woundedness. no longer do i deny my wounds. i see them. call them by name. and do the necessary work to heal them.
i see my future opening up in front of me.and i stand ready. nervous but ready.scared but ready. excited and ready.i am content within myself. i am content with myself. i am content with my God. with my aloneness.
i have hope in what tomorrow will bring.belief that my future is secure in God’s hands.faith that He walks with me. love that is eternal.
i am ready